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  • The “Help-Rejecting Complainer”

The “Help-Rejecting Complainer”

July 31, 2024 / Dr. David A. Weiman / Leadership Blog
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One of the more interesting concepts in psychology is called the “help-rejecting complainer.”

That is somebody who brings problems to you and tells you they want your advice. As soon as you offer any, though, they either negate it, tell you why it won’t work, or tell you they already did that.

That kind of person can be frustrating to deal with. It can also make you feel like you’re wasting your time, because they’re not truly seeking advice.

There’s a difference between that kind of person and somebody who really just wants to talk or vent, which is fine and doesn’t require that same investment of time and energy from you.

There are three things you can do if you find there’s somebody in your life who routinely asks for help, but then rejects it:

One: Clarify at the beginning of the conversation what their goal is. If it is just to vent, that would be good to know in advance.

Two: Time limit the conversation. Tell them how much time you have — it might be five or ten minutes — and then provide what they’re seeking in that period of time. The purpose is to limit your investment in the conversation.

Three: Do not give advice, just listen to what they have to say. If they ask for advice, you might ask them to consider what they’ve done before in a similar situation, or wish them the best as they try to figure this out on their own.

If you ask an additional question, “how many other people have you talked to about this?” you might be surprised that they have talked with quite a few people about the problem!

That may take some pressure off you to come up with an answer.

advice, help, reject, rejecting, time

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